so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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