It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i believe in u and ur pee
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
