I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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