tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
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I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
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He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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