the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
