Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
