How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
