is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
