if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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