WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
kristin has been a bad kristin
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I FOUND THE LEGS
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
