You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
im drinking this country out of the recession.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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