i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
