Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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