I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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