don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
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She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
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I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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