nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I don't want my vagina anymore.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
