i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
