I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
