I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
