i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
