What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
