y did u give ur computer a hand job?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
