yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
