I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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