Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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