I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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