I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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