shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
