As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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