??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
