He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
