i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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