You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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