if i can run in heels then i can drive
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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