alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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