i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
