I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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