My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
