Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
