Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
