My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
