i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
