dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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