Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
