if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
