hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
