Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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