she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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