wanna go halves on a baby?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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