dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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