why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
