Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize