I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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