life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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