I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
