you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
