So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
